One Step Removed

Last Summer

2011-07-21T21:26:00.001-07:00

this time was really bad, lots of worry over Joanna and her family finding a safe place to live in San Antonio, worry about Ruth and Chris being able to sell their house, worry about tension between my daughters about the house. Last summer this time was one of the hardest times in my life. I'm still kind of like Beth in Little Women. i want "all the little birds in their nests to agree." When people I love are having major problems with each other i have a terrible time keeping any measure of balance. I think I'm getting a little better at this but it is still terribly hard. I'm relieved that right now there are no overt tensions like last summer. For no good reason, I'm almost afraid to take to deep a breath of relief.

Last Entry

2009-03-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

Red buds are bright, just as they were a year ago when Mira died. Liam is a month old today. Hhe can hold up his head. he is well and strong. His parents are well and strong. They are happy. And they are parents who know grief. Mira will always be a mystery. I expect I'll always look at little girls with curls (and of course she might not have had curls at all) and wonder who she would/could have been. So much we'll never know. This has been a year of loss and love - and - AND - most healing word, and. I don't have to choose to feel one or the other.

This is my last entry in this blog. I'll close it out in a week or so. It has served it's purpose. I will continue to write at my general blog http://seastarvsh.blogspot.com/

Real

2009-03-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

Liam is real - a baby with long feet, a particular look in his eyes, a healthy appetite, sleeping patterns, a family that adores him. A baby. Our family's baby. Real. I had feared we wouldn't get this far, but we have. We are.

Liam Chaim

2009-02-22T20:39:00.000-08:00

William Chaim,
son of Ruth,
son of Chris,
I wish you
awe in face of wonders great and small,
beaches, butterflies, ball games
curiosity
dreams that come true, dreams that don't,
enthusiasm,
friends, family, freedom,
grandchildren.

William Chaim
child of light,
child of life,
I wish you
health,happiness, humility,
imagination,
joy,
kindness, kisses, kinship,
love all your lifetime
magic moments, memories,
nights of peaceful sleep.

William Chaim,
child of wonder,
child of peace,
I wish you
openness of heart, mind, spirit,
problems to solve,
questions to ponder,
rest between achievements,
satisfaction in solutions
tenderness, trust,
understanding
victory, more often than defeat
work well done
excitement in everyday life
yearning to make a difference
zany zigzagging hope.

Liam Chaim,
child of our circle,
may you be a blessing.
May each of us here
be a blessing to you.
day in, day out,
dark times and bright
in love, moment by moment
as many days as we live.

Victoria Hendricks -
For Liam Chaim's naming - February 21 2009

Liam is one week old!

2009-02-18T19:14:00.001-08:00

What a blessing. We will have his naming on Saturday, a sweet ceremony his parents have written. He is here, he is among us I find myself still occasionally waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it doesn't. Hasn't yet.

Fifth Day of Life and Beginning to end this Blog

2009-02-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

Liam is in his fifth day of life! Amazing. He was a mystery a week ago, and now he is still much of mystery, so much still to unfold - but I've held his hands and kissed his hair, nuzzled into the hollow of his neck. He went through a whole sleep wake cycle yesterday in Bob's arms and another in K.K.'s. I held his hands and cooed at him while he cried through a diaper change. I put one sleeper in the dirty clothes hamper and brought another sleeper downstairs. In short, he's home, healthy, here and I got to help take care of him and it doesn't get much better than that.

I started this blog to chronicle my mixed feelings of hope, anxiety, and grief when Ruth became pregnant with Liam soon after Mia's death. Grieving one grand baby while hoping for the safe birth of another was a definite passage, chronicled here now. It seems this blog has served it's purpose with Liam's safe arrival. I think I will keep it open until March 11, the anniversary of the day Rt uh began to bleed so heavily with Mira - a month after Liam's birthday. There seems a balance there.

Home

2009-02-13T19:32:00.000-08:00

Liam and Ruth and Chris are home - family of three - all well. Touches me so deeply

More on the birthday boy

2009-02-11T15:54:00.000-08:00

Liam is absolutely gorgeous - sweet. six pounds 3 ounces, I think. He has dark hair , a little more of it, and slightly deeper skin tone than Joanna's babies, All systems go Ruth and Chris both look great and the whole family is getting what looks like super care at the birthing hospital they chose. Joanna (newly and delightedly Auntie Jo Jo) and Bill Woodburn and Ruth's good friends Brynn and Todd visited shortly after Liam was born - stayed a bit - then let them all rest. I am overwhelmed with feeling now - joy delight relief. What a beautiful ittle family they make. Joanna and I had lunch at Super Salad and then she brought me to lunch, where I hope I will function adequately and not get up and dance in the middle of somebocy's serious session. Jo has an obstetrician's appointment right now, but expects it to be routine. We figure Andrea will come when she comes.

Liam is here - all's well!

2009-02-11T07:14:00.000-08:00

LIAM IS HERE!!!!!!! Chris called me about eight thirty. Ruth is fine. Liam is fine - THey were still weighing and measuring when Chris called. He has light brown hair and I heard his sounds. He was holding Chris' finger - as the daddy proudly and so sweetly reported. HOORAY!!!!!!! Joanna called me at the time of the csection and we talked on the phone all through it - felt good to hold metaphorically onto her. Happy birthday LIAM!!!!! I am over the moon at the moment. Need to finish dressing to go meet my grandson.

The calm before

2009-02-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

It is literally the calm before here - big storm expected during the night and baby Liam in the morning. I feel calm - which is probably all a defense mechanism, but I'll take it. I plan to get off the computer earlier than usual, watch some taped news shows on TV (Bill Moyers' Journal, NOW) and do some crafting - then go to bed early. Last night I felt calm, but just kept putting off going to bed - which was dumb. More self discipline in order tonight. Tomorrow night I'll share my first encounter with sweet Liam.

I've been thinking of Mira ore lately as her brother's birth approaches and as we see the very first pale signs of springtime. She died at redbud time last year, and the redbuds are still dormant this year, but I'm seeing a few blades of grass, white blossoms on the earliest fruit trees. Mira didn't blossom. We loved, wanted her so. Now her brother is almost opening bud in our hands - almost. Even after birth life is delicate. I knew that before Mira, but she reminded me.

Wednesday, Frebruary 11, 2009

2009-02-09T22:39:00.000-08:00

will be Liam's birthday. He is staying transverse, so his birth will be early in that morning by c section. We all seem to be ready - and excited.

Mira Moment

2009-02-08T19:14:00.000-08:00

Last winter, about this time, when Ruth was pregnant with Mira, K.K. her beloved way ore than just a niece, then eleven, purchased a little sock elephant to give to Ruth for Mira at the baby shower. Precious little elephant, that comes withthe standing joke that Grandma (me) was dumb enough to initially think it was a mouse. After Mira died, K.K. agonized about what to do with the elephant, who then resided in my dresser drawer. When Ruth became pregnant withLiam, K.K. still agonized - not sure whether this elephant could belong to a different baby - especially a BOY baby. She had looked forward to being a big girl cousin care giver to a little girl like her auntie was to her. She decided though, to give the elephant to Liam - and did so, first happily - then just disolving into tears in Ruth's arms. We all miss Mira. We all always will.

Still waiting

2009-02-08T18:07:00.001-08:00

I want Liam in Ruth's and Chris' arms - It''s so hard to trust he'll get there safely and all will be well and stay well. Seeing the three of them together as a family will be both joyful and reassuring. We'll find out more tomorrow about the timing and anner of the birth.

So far so good

2009-02-05T17:48:00.000-08:00

no medical emergency with Liam today - trusting and hoping for a birth next week, however it is arranged - just safe for Liam and for Ruth.

Transverse

2009-02-04T17:10:00.000-08:00

Liam has flipped back into a transverse position, so he would need to be born by csection if he doesn't turn head down again before Ruth goes into labor. I hope he does turn, but she doesn't sound scared so I'm trying not to be scared Either way, it sounds like the birth will be choreographed for next Tuesday or Wednesday - unless he just comes before then. Birthday time soon.

Four more days

2009-02-03T19:08:00.000-08:00

until Liam is officially due! Hard to believe. Hard to breathe. I trust he will be born breathing, thriving, ready to bring home and love.

Nine days

2009-01-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

til the due date. Pinch me somdbody, or don't This is happening. Ruth and Chris look great. Major life shift occuring for our family just about NOW! WOW!

One centimeter

2009-01-27T23:07:00.000-08:00

Ruth's labor - early stages - could be weeks yet (or hours!) - has begun. One centimeter of the ten necessary centimeters opening is done. The obstetrician touched Liam's head! I can't wait to kiss said head, and see the color of its hair, feel the softness of it's skin, admire ears, eyes, sounds. He will be with us soon!

Washing baby clothes

2009-01-25T09:34:00.000-08:00

I must really believe these babies are coming. I'm washing baby clothes in Dreft now at my house, setting up a baby dresser in my closet, thinking child proofing (not doing it yet, but thinking about what I will have to move once Liam is crawling). Last night there was a oment, standing in the garage with "Tweetie" a baby quilt my mother made for Ruth held to my face, that I alost felt as if I were the one about to give birth. I'm excited.

Almost home

2009-01-22T18:51:00.001-08:00

The nursery is ready, all the tiny clothes washed, my blessing for the naming ceremony written, the invitations for said ceremony sent and received the love and hope flowing full force. I haven't even been thinking much about Mira and how she isn't here, just about Liam and how he will be.

Shower in the morning

2009-01-16T19:35:00.000-08:00

Shower in the morning - delectable items purchased and cherished - so much beginning. Ruth was already a week old at the point in my pregnancy that she has reached with Liam. The nursery is beautiful in the way that she and Chris are so good at making space beautiful. There love is beautiful. Hope shines.

Baby Clothes - a poem

2009-01-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

TIny, bright and soft,
duckies, dinosaurs,
twelve pairs minute
socks, chosen in hope
in courage, purchased
in knowledge of fragility
of life, gauntlet thrown
down. Love trumps loss.

Victoria Hendricks, 1-8-2008

Sorted baby clothes

2009-01-07T19:03:00.000-08:00

That's what Ruth and I did last night - bright little outfits chosen with care - all sorted into stacks by size to be carefully washed in Dreft and set aside for Liam as he needs them. Some of them were bought for Mira. Tbright paint colors on Liam's walls come from cans bought for Mira right before her death. Ruth and I spoke of Mira calmly, mmatter-of-factly as we preared for Liam. It felt right.

so close

2009-01-04T18:07:00.000-08:00

At 35 weeks Liam is the size of a honey dew melon and Ruth and Chris are about to put in the car seat. This seems to be happening.

six weeks to go

2008-12-28T21:57:00.000-08:00

until forty weeks - hard to believe - getting close. Liam is big as a pineapple. I saw his beautiful nursery last night, so rich in colors, every wall a different color. I also saw the dragonfly Ruth painted on her bedroom wall in memory of Mira - also beautiful, though sad. Circle of life and death continues to revolve.

forty eight days

2008-12-20T08:50:00.000-08:00

left until Liam's due date! Somehow "under fifty" days feels like a big deal - really close - almost made it! I know things can go wrong at any point, even after birth. I remember how terrifying it was when K.K. had meningitis as a newborn. But at this point, I'm thinking more about soft sleepers and tiny corduroy pants than I'm worrying

Sorting baby clothes

2008-12-17T19:02:00.001-08:00

on my office floor with Ruth and Chris last night was sweet. A friend had given us bags of clothes for baby boys and baby girls. They picked out cute clothes for Liam, tie died shirts, a little jacket with ears, soft sleepers, even a baby flight suit that we half joked could be next year's Halloween costume, complete with aviator glasses. We laughed and talked and folded. Ruth picked out several girl items, darling little pink pants, a dress, and said how Mira would have "so worn those" and it was simply true - not a new sadness. Nobody cried. Mira would have... Mira could have...Mira wont. Liam will. (I hope, I pray.)

Realer and Realer

2008-12-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

these babies just seem realer and realer - Liam and his little cousin to be born a week or so after him, Andrea. Liam even has a red sheet on his crib mattress in his own crib and Andrea will have butterflies on her nursery wall. Plans for Liam's naming seem like plans, not dreams - and sometime this winter, we will hold him and kiss him - so sweet. I am still broadsided at moments by waves of sadness about Mira's permanent absence. I wondered last night when it snowed big fat flakes for HOURS if Ruth would have taken almost three month old Mira out into her very first snow. I look up at the menorah which I will soon be bringing down from the high shelf andfeel sad that Ruth and Chris will not be holding Mira in it's light this year - and then I think how Liam, inside RUth, is able to hear and enjoy the holiday usic already. Everything is a mixed bag - AND, AND, AND - and love is stronger than loss.

And the crib has arrived and been assembled

2008-12-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

Liam's Daddy said today "The only thing missing in the nursery is HIM!" and that isn't probably literally so - but they are very much ready - and I can hear the joy in Ruth's voice - really truly excited joy. Two months now and we'll most probably be holding the little guy. I ordered his stroller today - his chariot.

30 weeks!

2008-11-29T19:45:00.000-08:00

Liam is in week 30 - big enough to live if born - I think past "micropremie" at two pounds thirteen ounces last week. Ten weeks to go optimally - not a short time but not a long time. I'm more excited, less scared. Ruth made a blessing at the Thanksgiving table that she was thankful that this year was the first year all the kids were old enough for big person crystal goblets at dinner - and the last year for quite a while. I got tears and imagined how different it would have been with Mira at the table. Also that night, Ruth, K.K. and I talked in the kitchen while we put food away and just hung out while others watched football. We talked about babies and possible hair and eye color and the birth process and it felt so good - primal and female and tender. Ruth and K.K. look similar now - not baby and young woman, but two young women, one in the spring of early puberty and the other in the early summer of pregnancy, both with glowing skin and red hued hair. I hope Liam is a read head.

Two pounds 13 ounces!

2008-11-27T00:41:00.000-08:00

That's what Liam was estimated to weigh at today's sonogram. Growing, growing growing - another blessing to celebrate at tomorrow's family table!

Coping mechanisms

2008-11-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

I read today on the gizmo beside Ruth's pregnancy blog that Liam "would probably live if born prematurely now." And I realized that for the last couple of weeks, since "viability" I've been compulsively reading the blogs of families living with, raising, rejoicing in, prematurely born kids. It's funny the things we (I) do to keep going. Liam is now the size of a butternot squash. I intend to handle one at the store today.

More dead babies -

2008-11-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

A coworker of Ruth had her baby die in utero, second trimester, like Mira. Today I went to the doctor's to get my flu shot (of which the were out AGAIN) and was chatting with the young receptionist, who said she had to get her flu shot last year because she was pregnant. I asked her how old her baby is now and she told me she lost her - also second trimester. Birth and death really do dance close.

When I least expect it...grief

2008-11-16T01:36:00.000-08:00

Ruth is in her third trimester now. All is well. She says Liam dances jigs to music - such a joy. Mostly I focus on the joy and am less anxious as Liam becomes more and more likely to join us in this life. But grief can strike me from the oddest directions. It is cold tonight for the first time of the season so, before walking the dog, I went to the hall closet and took my heavy coat off of it's hanger. I slipped my hand into the pocket and felt loose beads from a bracelet I gave Ruth the night I learned she was pregnant with Mira. I also found a sticker from the Hilary Clinton rally that marked the last tie I saw Ruth pregnant with Mira. It was a happy night - hopeful - a cold night like this one. Now Ruth is pregnant with Liam and Mira died before we could know her. She will never vote for a woman for President, or for anyone for President. She will not be affected by the success or failure of Obama's Presidency. I won't be able to tell her she was tiny in the year of "Yes we can." I will be able to tell Liam that he was born (probably) a few weeks after Obama's inauguration. And that is good and exciting. Love really is stronger than loss AND loss really stings.

Still good

2008-11-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

Ruth does not have gestational diabetes - recovered from an infection last week. Chris did not get shot when a crime went down in the neighborhood near his school. Liam thrives, moves, grows. I'm believing in him these days, more and more - imagining touching a little foot, the new, totally original scent and texture of his particular hair. And then I think how I'll never know Mira's scent and feel sad - and then I wonder exactly what color Liam's eyes will be.

President Obama

2008-11-07T22:41:00.000-08:00

will be innaugurated before Liam is born - (given normal lengrh pregnancy). Wow! He will be born into a world in which there is no color line regarding the Presidency of his nation - a world with many economic, social, political problems, an uncertain world, but a world into which a breath of hope has recently blown.

double digit days

2008-11-03T22:36:00.000-08:00

left til Liam is expected - 95 to be exact, not any triple digit number. Somehow that makes his coming seem more probable and imminent - (and he probably weighs over two pounds. I'm not sure when they stop being micropremies, but two pounds is sure better than one pound but still, we have a while.)

Purchases made

2008-11-03T22:30:00.000-08:00

I bought Liam an outfit for next Halloween - green courdoroy pants, spider socks, a darling little shirt with a truck full of pumpkins, an excessively soft orange hat. So Liam, you have to live now, and be here next Halloween, ya hear.

Bittersweet brisk afternoon

2008-10-27T16:35:00.000-07:00

It's really cool for the first time this season, breezy, brisk - my favorite weather. I find myself imagining Mira, if she were here, in courduroy and a hat and that maybe I would have taken her out this cool afternoon and let her touch a pumpkin. It didn't even occur to me that Friday would have been her first Halloween - just didn't think that far until right now. I wonder how Ruth and Chris would have dressed her and how they will dress Liam next year. This season feels more than half full to me - and the shadow of Mira's absence is very real.

Actually week 25

2008-10-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

I didn't just sit here waiting (at least not that big a dork) but I did come back after my bath and hair washing and it is officially week 25 for Liam - Hooray - and he probably weighs over a pound - still a way to go and grow - but over a pound feels ecouraging.

Almost 25 weeks

2008-10-24T20:41:00.001-07:00

I'm doing it again - sitting here at the computer waiting for the week counter to flip over - bet Liam is flipping around inside Ruth much more satisfactorially. When I wake in the morning he'll be in his 25'th week - more viable every day now. (and a little less than twice the lifetime Mira had)

Perspective

2008-10-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

This would be a sad and difficult month for me if Ruth and Chris had not conceived Sprout - if Liam were not thriving. The babies who were Mira''s contemporaries have been born or are about to be. I'm getting the birth announcements and seeing the pictues and that is wonderful - precious every one. Within a week or two I probably will have gotten to hold at least one of these babes in my arms (and I won't ever get to hold Mira). I'm wondering tonight how this time would be in my life, in the life of our family if she had lived and been born healthy. But I am not weeping, because Liam is thriving, Ruth and Chris are thriving - and feeling hopeful is easier than weeping. Still, I am very accutely aware that this could have been a very happy month, or a very sad one.

William James revealed

2008-10-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

Sprout is male!!!! William James. No more Lilliam - though I've loved that name Liam. Boy child. Grandson. Coming soon but not too soon (please not too soon). Ruth called and left me a message right after the sonogram revealed William's sex, and I called the house later and asked a very happy daddy to kiss the tummy over his son for me. He agreed sweetly. Sweet sweet day - one more healthy pregnant day.

Viability!!!!!!!

2008-10-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

Ruth writes that Sprout has reached viability- VIABILITY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The chances are she/he could live if born now - though I know it would be a long time in the NICU, and scary - but possible, possible. Please little Sprout, stay inside a couple of months more. And thank you for living so far.

Premie twins

2008-10-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

An acquaintance had premie twins this week - babies due in late December and weighing two and three pounds - they have a long way to go and remind me how very far Sprout, and Joanna's baby atoo, have until they are ready to be safely born. I feel gratitude for every healthy day every baby spends "inside" and send my prayers for the evening to these particular two tiny girls, born early - may they thrive.

almost 23 weeks

2008-10-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

Moving as Ruth posts with her fruit of the week from a babe the size of a spaghetti squash to one the size of a mango - definitely getting sizable. I loved this whole High Holy Day cycle with Rut, Chris and Sprout - pretty perfect. It's good to be at a point that, though we don't count on any good outcome and still superstitiously knock on wood, we do talk about meals and visits after Sprout is born, stroller preferences, details of the shower. All of that is good too.

22 week no comment blues

2008-10-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

I laugh at myself that I wish people would comment more on this and my other blogs. It's silly. It's ego. I write to have my thoughts down. And yet the human part of me is a little bummed every time there are no comments. That whole balance beam between love and ego is slippery at times. At any rate, Sprout's at more than 22 weeks now and of the four babies of whom I learned about the time Ruth announced she was pregnant with Mira, one other was lost to miscarriage (before Mira), one is healthily and happily born, and the other two are due shortly. Life is what it is. More joy than sorrow at our house these days.

Family meal

2008-10-05T21:02:00.000-07:00

Our family meal for Rosh Hoshannah was so happy - great food, great talk, Rtuh looking healthy and pregnant and enjoying her pumpkin pie. It wasn't until afterward, when I was washing dishes, that I remembered that, if all had gone well, we would have had less than a month old Mira at the holiday meal. I forget most days what isn't and focus on what is - and of course, both the loss and the joy are real. Right now the joy sings louder.

Rosh Hoshannah with Sprout

2008-09-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

In services last night and today, standing next to Ruth, surrounded in song and chanting, I remembered that Sprout can hear, and that these are some of the sounds - community voices chanting and singing, that this child is hearing already - and I was both touched and pleased. I caught mysef imagining next High Holy Days - looking at babies present this year and wondering if Sprout will be bigger or smaller, will sleep through services or need to be walked - such wonderful happy things to be able to wonder.

Alive and kicking

2008-09-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

at twenty one weeks - a cliche I like. Rut and Chris both have felt SProut's movement now - a very good thing!

Thankful (even though Ruth is frustrated)

2008-09-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

Today at work I learned of a couple who have just learned, at 20 weeks, that their baby has anencephaly and cannot live. Ruth had an extra ultrasound today which failed to determine Sprout Lilliam's sex. It did confirm the normalcy of Sprout's development. Ruth is really frustrated about the unknown sex, and frustrated with herself for caring. She just wants to be able to call her son or daughter by name already. I think I might be frustrated too if I hadn't learned today of the other family, with a baby just Sprout's age, who is facing sure death. I keep writing here over and over, life is so uncertain. And tonight I'm more thankful than frustrated.

Twenty weeks (such a nice round ring to it!)

2008-09-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

Half way to due date with Sprout - Ruth has been pregnant longer than she is likely to be pregnant with this baby. Wow! And Sprout is estimated to be about the length of a banana, may weigh as much as a pound, and can hear and is likely to cover her/his ears when alarmed by a sudden sound. I remember that with my babies, how they jumped and seem frightened when their was a loud noise in our environment. Bob and I are buying Sprout's stroller as a welcome gift and I am keeping my hands and eyes off little outfits until we have gender identification (at the parents' request because they have enough tiny gender neutral outfits already) I still get scared, still remember Mira with tears, still know how much could go wrong with this baby - but most days I have nurturing cuddly hopeful thoughts - new baby in my arms come winter thoughts. Sweet sweet thoughts!

A change ( toward hope with tears)

2008-09-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

When Mira died I set up my AOL icons with dragonflies, the symbol Ruth and Chris chose for that sweet baby. Today, as we pass the time that she would have been born into our arms, I am changing those icons to sunflowers for Sprout. And I'm hanging a silver, amber and garnt dragon fly for Mira permanently in my kitchen, where her memory will be triggered many times a day as I go about my business. We humans (at least this human) sure depend on symbols and rituals to get through the tough emotional stuff.

I know Ruth and Chris spent this night quiety together mourning their daughter and I feel so sad for them. I hate it when the people I love hurt. And I know they also have rejoicing and hoping in them. Love really is stronger than loss. And loss hurts like hell.

Mira - on the day you shoud be born

2008-09-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

I wonder what tonight would be like if you had lived, little one. You might be here already, safe in your parents' arms. I might know your hair color and the taste of your neck. Or we might still be waiting to meet you. But we will never know. I'm sad tonight that we will never know.

Gift

2008-09-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

Ruth and Chris brought beautiful grandparent journals to Bob and me today - like them not standard cutesy, but really deep and full of meaningful questions. I am touched and eager to start weoking on my journal for Sprout - Lilliam

contrastng feelings

2008-09-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ruth wrote a beautiful post in her blog about her contrastng feelings about Sprout's development and Mira's death, as contrasted by her sonograms experiences.

Family resemblance
I was reluctant to say anything about this when first posting Sprout's most recent picture because I didn't want Lilliam's debut to be overshadowed by Mira's death.... but it's reality that the two are connected and it seems artificial to try to avoid the inevitable points of connection between the two pregnancies so I've decided to post.

We had the scan done at Seton Medical Center--the very same Seton to which I checked in for Mira's D&C. We were there less than a week before Mira's unfulfilled due-date and walked in the same door we last entered for her memorial service. The last time I'd had an ultrasound at a hospital was the last time we saw her and Sept 11th (for which the appointment was originally scheduled) marks the 6-month-a-versary of her death (and the 12th, on which we did have the appointment the 6-month-a-versary of the D&C).

It would have been impossible not to be thinking of Mira when we were walked back into the hospital imaging area. I remember thinking how grateful I was to be walking under my own volition instead of riding a gurney. Chris stood on the same side of me holding the same hand he had when we found out that our Miraculous Mira was still alive and kicking despite the hemorrhaging. And when the first image flicked on the screen we saw the sweet picture I posted last night--the tech smiled and pointed out the hand by the face. I smiled too--but in my mind I saw this:

Sprout's first image is a near perfect mirror image of Mira's last.

I think part of me was waiting for the similarities to continue--I KNEW that Sprout had a strong heartbeat. In my gut I really did feel that everything was okay (I've felt remarkably certain about this pregnancy even before we actually conceived--I KNEW we'd get pregnant that month and I was certain the early "negative" tests were wrong, etc.) But there was that part of me that kept expecting the tech to turn to us and say that something was wrong... that, yes the heart was beating, but that Sprout was not growing properly or that really we'd been mistaking my heartbeat for Sprout's all those months, or something..... but none of that ever came. I saw Chris get misty and shed a few tears and I watched our little guy wiggle and writhe on the screen-- alive and healthy and waving his hands about as if putting on Broadway show and let myself bask in the happiness and relax a little more into the reality that we are having a baby in February (or maybe January).

It's a strange thing to see the Mira parallels so clearly and to, at the same time, feel so unafraid for Sprout. It feels like hubris to feel so comfortable. I know that my gut feelings aren't a guarantee. I know that the current diagnosis of "no obvious abnormalities" is not a promise of perfect health. After all I am a logical person and I have had people I love die when they weren't supposed to... I KNOW that anything can happen and that anything can destroy the world as you know it in a single breath. So I will continue to say more "if"s and think up more bad scenarios than other people are comfortable with. And I will fill out the advance directive paperwork before I go into labor because I DO believe in planning for the worst--but for right now I'm enjoying feeling so good.
Posted by Ruth at 7:48 AM

Still "Lilliam" and healthy

2008-09-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

The anatomy scan today did not show sex, but did show a healthy babe developing on schedule with all appropriate parts in apparent working order and the ability to move about - I care much more about health and presence than the sex. Happy day!

Halfway

2008-09-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

Ruth posted that today is day 130 of her pregnancy with Sprout and day 260 is full term. Halfway home! Home to waiting arms and a painted nursery and all kinds of hopes and dreams and kisses and rhymes and LOVE - so much love.

Eighteen weeks and smiling

2008-09-06T10:51:00.001-07:00

Ruth and Chris and I wto our small, sweet synagogue last night and, during the "joys and oys" segment, when people talk about what's going on in our lives, Chris told the congregation both about Mira's death (the last time he made an announcement was of pregnancy with Mira) and of Sprout's presence and apparent good health. The group responded warmly and with support. I'm glad Ruth and Chris are making progress feeling at home in a community (something I'm not very good at). Ruth looked beautiful last night in a dress bought hopefully when they were trying to conceive - which now flows gracefully over her slightly changed shape. I kept wanting to stroke her hair and kiss her shoulder during service ( refrained at least two thirds of the time I wanted to). I love the way she loves Chris, the way he loves her, the whole welcome net they are building for this babe.

Normal Quad -Screen for Sprout

2008-09-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ruth got the call today telling her that the results from Sprout's Quad-Screen look "normal, normal, and normal". Apparently that means no signs of Down's syndrome or spina bifida or some other problems. No guarantee of safe passage for sure - but so far so good. And Sprout even owns a car seat - a gift from her/his other grandmother. A baby with good test results and a car seat is seeming more and more real.

Mira's month

2008-09-01T17:40:00.000-07:00

It's September, the month Mira would have been born. I imagine how excited the family would have been with her birth approaching, and remember the September 31 years ago when I was pregnant with Joanna. I wonder what Mira woud have looked, felt, smelled like, and I grieve for her presence in our life. I also think about Sprout, due in February, and think how much sadder I would be this September without Mira if Ruth and Chris had not conceived this new little hope for life. Circle of life and death just keeps on spinning. Life is hard and life is good.

Missing Mira

September 18 should be your birthday
but you died in March, unborn, unseen,
unheard, unknown, unsung, unkissed.
But mourned and missed - so missed.

week seventeen - uneventful

2008-08-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

Uneventful is good. Ruth started school believing she would have a much heavier load of kids, but seems to have had a delightful first week. A week from Monday we will know the sex of Sprout (and anatomic details). Back when I was pregnant we didn't find out anatomic details - and I guess it's good to know but also gives me another milestone to get anxious about. I choose to focus on all well right now and curiosity about the sex. Exciting to think that in a week and a bit I can start choosing baby clothes that are not unisex.

Crazy hopeful Grandma

2008-08-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

After a long work week, here I sit at the computer, waiting up for the ticker on Ruth's pregnancy blog to jump to week sixteen. Now I now that's nuts. I'm doing it anyway. She's starting back to work after school summer vacation and that scares me. I want to wrap her in cotton batting until this baby is born full term and healthy. And she's fine and there are no warning signs of any kind and loving is all I can do.

OK, the gimo is up - sixteen weeks - in reach of quickening. Grow Sprout, grow!

Superstitious

2008-08-21T19:21:00.001-07:00

A friend on a message board titled a post about the death of a friend and the birth of a family baby "Circle of Life." Nothing odd about that - beautifully appropriate. I remembered though that that was the title Ruth used for her blog post right before she told me she was pregnant with Mira. It is a circle, birth and death, a cycle, and being reminded today in this way made me want to knock on wood.

NOT a nightmare phonecall

2008-08-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

Last night about midnight, as I was climbing into bed, the phone rang. Turned out it was Bob sweetly wishing me goodnight. We had talked earlier so I wasn't expecting his very loving bedtime call. I panicked when the phone rang and relived answering the phone the night Ruth called from the emergency room bleeding, the night before Mira died. I talked with both Ruth and Chris on the phone in the middle of that terrible night, both of them brave and composed and shaky sounding. Last night nothing terrible happened. I was reminded one more time how sweet and fragile life as we know it is.

Week Fifteen

2008-08-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe. Ruth looks beautiful every time I see her. They are fixing up the nursery since life will get busier once the school year starts. I still know how much can go wrong. I know we can't count of a baby in February - a healthy baby home in the comfortably and meticulously designed nest. But oh, am I hoping! I am consciously focusing on the probable good outcome not all the scary possibilities.

Consumer Grandma fantasy

2008-08-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't bought anything yet for Sprout, or for Joanna's babe either. But I caught myself today in the gift store at the Texas State Aquarium looking at "first" puzzles and a sweet stuffed octopus and I probably would have bought something if I hadn't been needed to help my already living grand children figure out how to spend their money.

Fourteen weeks

2008-08-08T23:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting up too late and jumped back to Ruth's pregnancy blog and saw that the boxes on the side have changed in the last hour - not thirteen weeks, fourteen. She's never been fourteen weeks pregnant before. Apparently Sprout can feel pressure on Ruth's abdomen at this point and will wriggle away if it is poked. I'm trying to remember if I felt that with the girls - the wriggling away. I guess the mom can't feel it at ths point - soon though - soon.

Double vision

2008-08-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

Mostly these days I think about Ruth and pregnancy in terms of Sprout, not Mira. But occasionally I have a disturbing sort of double vision. Today, when I read in email of a friend's daughter who got pregnant at the same time Ruth got pregnant with Mira, I was hit hard by the realization that, had all gone well, we would be having baby showers, finishing up the nursery, and excitedly awaiting baby Mira in September. It won't be like that. We are awaiting baby Sprout in February. If Sprout hadn't been conceived, we would probably be grieving Mira hard right now. I cried for her tonight walking home from the bus stop in the sunset, gazing at the waxing half moon in the indigo sky. So much you missed little dragon fly girl, by flying away so soon. I wish it had been different.

Blessings for Sprout

2008-08-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

Ruth wrote a wonderful blessing for her children back when they started trying to conceive five years ago. She posted it on her blog, http://sproutnhope.blogspot.com/2008/08/for-sprout.html today. It, and the beautiful Fred Small blessing Bob added in the comments section inspired me to write my own blessing for Sprout, really for all the grand kids born and unborn. My blessing is based on the teachings of my mentor and teacher Dorothy Satten about the basic rights of children, and on Abraham's destiny to "go out and be a blessing."

Blessing for Blooming

May you rest, feeling safe
confident you are welcome
cherished, protected,respected.
May you trust that you belong.

May you thrive, trusting
knowing we see your needs
and seek to meet them
as reality and reason permit.

May you grow, daring
to claim your personality
trusting us to trust you.
May you separate in strength.

May you explore, knowing
we honor you as you are
support your dreams and path.
However different from ours.

May you touch the divine
in your way, on your terms,
feeling infinite connection
with power beyond understanding.

May you delight in loving
and being loved, your way,
rich in intimate connection,
needed needing giving receiving.

May you know we celebrate
you for unique, precious self.
and sure of this, may you go forth
in love, not ego, to be a blessing.

Happy but not complacent

2008-08-06T07:24:00.000-07:00

Ruth and Chris ares slowly starting to buy things for Sprout. They bought a darling, hilarious and probably very soft stuffed animal (composite, primary colored, manyfooted, named Sir Galumpalot) while they were in Seattle. I laugh at the beastie's picture and Chris' play threat to claim the soft one for himself. And I am so relieved that Ruth and Chris are in a stage of being able to laugh, play, hope, even start to plan a little. And every time I hear of another pregnancy loss, another very premature birth, a pregnant om with severe complications, I stop breathing. My spiritual discipline is to say a prayer for that person, that family, those circumstances - and then tell myself with gratitude "That isn't us, today." and go back into the discipline of living fully in the moment, which at this moment is good.

Sprout, The name

2008-08-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

It's funny how, as I get less scared about Sprout, (Though much can still go wrong at least death can't come exactly as it did to Mira and that's something) I find myself having more ordinary thoughts about this pregnancy. One such thought is that, though Ruth doesn't know it, "Sprout" is one of the many nicknames my Daddy, who loved terms of endearment, called me as a little girl - right up there with "Little Squirt". It always pleases me when patterns unintentionally repeat.

Day 91

2008-08-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

New territory - past Mira's lifetime. As far as I know, all is well with Sprout. And with Joanna's babe too. So many question marks in life. Today at the grocery store I enjoyed all the babies and little ones. Zachary's six, so it's been a while since our family has had arms full of little one - now two are coming. I'm excited, and suffering from an irrational desire to learn to knit soft things.

Day 90

2008-07-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

This is Day 90, the day Mira died. I'm home in Texas and Ruth and Chris are still up in cool Washington, much better location for a pregnant daughter. I'm anxious tonight, checking and rechecking Ruth's blog for entries, trying to assume Sprout is alive still. They do have the Doppler with them to check. I know there's no magic in passing day 90, no guarantee, but it does seem significant. I find myself reliving the days right after Mira dies, the sorrow I felt then and the desire to ease her parents' pain - such hard days.

Just for fun

2008-07-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

With two pregnant daughters due within a week of one another, I was amused (sweetly) when Ruth told me she plans to buy me two red onesies she saw on line labeled "Thing One" and "Thing Two". We do love our Seuss. And pray please please, for two healthy "things" to wear the two onesies.

hoping and remembering

2008-07-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

Ruth and Chris are on vacation with us, so last night she let me listen to Sprout's heart beat on the doppler for the first time - like a frisky pony thundering behind the steady loping beat of Ruth's own heart such a joy. And then Ruth and Chris and Bob and I had at least an hour of happy discussion of choices regarding stroller systems, nursery colors, and baby clothes. Ruth looks great and is feeling good, fewer smell and food issues as she enters her second trimester. And we are happy and excited about this baby - AND I keep remembering August 1 is day 90. Mira died on day 90. as a symbol for Mira. Ruth and Chris use the dragon fly Beautiful dragon flies flit about the deck where we are visiting and every time I see one, I think of Mira and how she should have been born in September, and won't be - and I feel sad about Mira and thankful for Sprout. On one level it will mean nothing when Sprout has lived longer than Mira did. And yet, that feels like a milestone - Ruth and Chris entering uncharted pregnancy territory.

Second trimester!

2008-07-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

Ruth entered her second trimester this morning and the little informational sidebar on her baby blog announced that the risk of miscarriage significantly dropped today. I remember when that happened with Mira, and the sweet last developmental comment Ruth made in her blog about Mira, that the baby now opens his/her mouth if the face is touched, was the same comment she made today about Sprout. She noted the connection of comments and it brought tears to my eyes. For whatever reason, when Mira died, that comment was one of the grief focus points for me, one of the things that made me more aware of the little life we lost. Ruth commented that she hopes she will have many more developmental milestones to comment on about Sprout, both before and after birth, and I hope and am beginning to increasingly trust that this will be true (though of course I am painfully aware you can never really trust life to continue inside the womb or otherwise). Sprout is at day 85 today and Mira died on Day 90, but there was spotting, significant spotting well before this point with Mira and all is totally well and routine so far with Sprout.

I'm so glad I chose to write this blog and post it here in Lost and Found, Connections Abound. I wish other family members would start blogging here too. It feels so good to have a place to unabashedly write the details of my feelings as they change during this pregnancy of my daughter after her loss of her first pregnancy after five years of trying to conceive. Thanks Mel for creating this community. And any moms, sisters, friends dealing with secondary mourning for babies or pregnancies, if you're lurking, I'd love it if you piped up.

maternity pants

2008-07-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

Ruth bought her first pair today! I remember buying my first pair of maternity pants when I was pregnant with Joanna, and a little top with strawberries on it. Hope is sparkling, sparkling here.

eleven weeks

2008-07-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

Sprout is now supposedly about the size of a lime - a much more substantial seeming fruit than a kumquat or a grape. I ca imagine a lime - ral and solid in my hand - and that makes me smile.

seeming more real

2008-07-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

Ruth and I talked about shower plans and diaper service yesterday, and she's blogging about gender hunches -three boy, one girl and a number of abstentions so far. This is all so normal and happy and I am finding myself more and more able to just be happy about Sprout. I don't know when a hope becomes an expectation, and I know so well how much can go wrong at every minute - any minute - but I'm imagining Sprout developing, blossoming into a real live baby in my arms next winter. I will get scared at times, I'm sure, but I don't want to lose one moment of happy baby thinking that I don't have to lose. An old favorite life motto is flaming in my brain - "No unnecessary losses!" So here we go, step by step but with a smile.

pretravel jitters

2008-07-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

I am especially nervous tonight because Bob and I are about to leave on a road trip - leaving my practice and grand kids and friends is hard enough but leaving two pregnant daughters is harder. I know my being here didn't save Mira and in no way reduces the risk of miscarriage or any other problem. I will get in the car tomorrow and go. Probably all will be well. If it isn't, we will all cope.

I hate it that I think about Ruth's pregnancy with Sprout in terms of her pregnancy with Mira - who died at ninety days (In eighteen days Sprout will be older than Mira got). This is Spout's turn, Sprout's time to be baby in utero for Ruth. Her sister has a new sweetie growing too, a few weeks behind Sprout, but with Ruth regnancy is about Sprout right now, not Mira. There is no reason to expect parallels.

I'm at a place of wanting again to do something special in Mira's memory - to cherish the hope she represented. I will give a small contribution to March of Dimes the day Sprout gets older than Mira got.

11

2008-07-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

I don't like the elevenths of months - four months today since Mira died and Ruth is ten weeks (or in the tenth week - pregnancy math is confusing) with Sprout. She wore a beautiful loose green smock top to K.K.'s performance today, not really showing in clothes but dressing pregnant and beautiful - and I thought how much bigger she'd be if she were still pregnant with Mira. I'll always wonder about that little girl - who she would be in my arms and in her life. And I'm so happy that Sprout's little life is started and keep hoping all will continue to go well.

keeping perspective

2008-07-09T23:25:00.000-07:00

Title of this blog is "one step removed" and I often need to remind myself that my daughters' lives and mine really are seperate and I need to keep that step removed and not call incessantly to find out that everyone is well and pregnancy continues. I really don't do the crazy Jewish mother stereotype phone calls (much). I just want to. There is absolutely no reason for me to be worried at this time (other than that life is uncertain and you just never know...) Both daughters looked radiant when I saw them just a few days ago. It's me that wants to manage my own anxiety by knowing what's going on every minute and I need to just go read a book or something. Loving from an appropriate distance is tricky choreography.

Hopeful Courage

2008-07-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

Bob and Ruth and Chris and I went to the restaurant where Ruth and Chris told me they were pregnant with Mira. A reclaiming - a happy lunch. We talked about raising Sprout and I was so respectful of their ability to love again in the face of loss. (And SProut is still making him/herself heard on the Doppler!)

Probable Names

2008-07-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

It is wonderful to see Sprout more real since the sonogram and the heart beat on Doppler. Names are out there for possible use - of course could change, but I like imagining this little one by name. William James or Liliana Abigail or Liliana Jean - sweet names all.

Sprout heard from

2008-07-05T22:15:00.001-07:00

Heart beat on Doppler today - what a sweet and reassuring sound.

Sweet Fourth

2008-07-04T23:21:00.001-07:00

Today was good. The whole family spent the afternoon and evening at Ruth and Chris' house, in the pool, shooting off legal fireworks, eating barbecue and S'mores - happy day. The big kids are truly getting big - needing so little care and supervision. I keep thinking, next year will (I hope! I hope! be so different with little tiny Spout in arms.

As much as I am so ready for Sprout, I like our family the way it is now. We went years with no big changes, just gradual developmental changes, and now this last six months, changes have been enormormous and not easy - Mira conceived and dying, Ruth's sister's divorce and developing new (apparently happy and strng) relationship, numerous illnesses in the family. I am feeling our of sorts even though today was truly a sweet and happy day, maybe the best Fourth of July we've had (absent the prickly energy of Joanna's X husband). I just hope there are no more unwelcome changss I don't feel strong and flexible.

Relief - Sprout lives!

2008-07-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ruth saw the beating heart today on the eight week sonogram. So far so good - no problems - another appointment in a month with the new Dr. Baby who she really likes. Sprout is apparently growing right on track --looks just like the diagra of an eight weeks embryo. I could hear the relief in Ruth's voice when she left me a message at work about having seen the beating heart. My own relief just floods through me.

I know Mira lived longer than this - I know there is no assurance of continued life for any of us in or out of the womb. But tonight, I'm going to just be happy that Sprout is alive and RUth is feeling happy in her pregnancy and her work as she finishes out a summer session teaching on the college level for the first time.

Still waiting

2008-07-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Ruth went to her appointment yesterday and likes the new doctor, but an emergency in that office delayed the sonogram until today. I keep reliving the happy day they first saw Mira's beating heart. But mostly I continue to hope. (Sprout, please have a beating heart.)

Tomorrow is a big day

2008-06-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

Ruth and Chris go for the first sonogram of Sprout. (Please be alive Sprout, and whole and well and in the right place. Please, please be alive.)

Day by day

2008-06-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

is definitely the way I am taking this pregnancy. I think back to how in the pregnancy with Mira I called Ruth my pregnant daughter every time I saw her. I asked her if that was alright with her and she just smiled and expressed pleasure with the earned label. This time I'm less open, less playful, and I hope that doesn't take away from the joy of this pregnancy. I am eager to hold Sprout in my arms, hopeful, excited - but keeping my emotions down, biding my time. Truth is that's no protection from grieving a loss though, every loss is a loss. I'm letting myself attach more and more to the idea of Sprout.

And Ruth is nervous too

2008-06-24T19:39:00.001-07:00

waiting for the ultrasound. We both hope more than anything that Sprout is still growing and alive. It doesn't help that I talked to a woman today who was miscarrying at seven weeks. We have no symptoms, that I know of, no reason to be nervous, just are.

Nervous

2008-06-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

No reason to be. Ruth seems fine. I've read a few other pregnancy loss blogs - people who were just fine at seven weeks and had later losses, like Ruth did with Mira. I'm sad for them and just hoping that this time, this little one, called Sprout by loving parents, will thrive.

Landmark

2008-06-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

This pregnancy is now further advanced that Ruth's pregnancy with Mira was when she learned she was pregnant. It's still early, but reassuring - first small reassurance for me. i commented to Chris yesterday that it was his first Father's Day pregnant and asked him how that felt. His answer was essentially if not verbatim, "nerve-racking." But all seems well. Ruth looks beautiful and I find myself more excited and less worried - and of course nothing is ever sure. Right now it just feels good to enjoy each day she's pregnant as a day she's pregnant.

Important correction

2008-06-12T06:38:00.001-07:00

Eight years. Ruth and Chris have been maried EIGHT years not six. Time and numbers have never been my strengthe but the axiom that time flies faster as I get older seems true. Blessings to that beutiful sustaining marriage even if I can't gget the numbers right.

mixed musings

2008-06-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

Mira died three months ago today. And Ruth and Chris have been married six years. The new baby's heart, according to the books, should have started beating.
I talked to Ruth last night and all seems well, with appropriate and impressive doubling rates on betas, which mean a growing babe (babes?). It's so odd for me. In the pregnancy with Mira I went around with bounce in my step reminding myself every few hours "Ruth is pregnant!" and smiling involuntarily. This time (and it is earlier than we knew about Mira so in a way it makes sense), I feel more a whisper than a shout, a "Ruth is pregnant - please - still." Life seems even more precious and hope both more tenuous and more vital.

I have a friend who is pregnant too - due at Halloween, and the secondary mourning concept applies to that pregnancy too because her husband is in the middle of chemo for a very deadly cancer. When he was diagnosed a year and a half ago the odds of his living this long were about nil, but they got involved in an experimental trial of treatment at Duke and his tumor has shrunk dramatically and there seems real hope that he will hold his baby - even live years to see his child grow. I feel myself struggling not to kill him off in my head, not to assume a sad result, to see every good day as a good day and to enjoy and celebrate without thinking "for now". I know this situation brings up memories of my own first husband's cancer treatment days and they were far too short - ended in death seven months after diagnosis. That's the thing with secondary experience, way too easy to paste one's own on somebody else's. That was then and us. this is now and them.

And the biopsy results of my sister-in-law with metastasied breast cancer don't look hopeful - and yet they are hoping -taking life in twenty minute chunks (sometimes literal, someteims metaphoric twenty minute chunks). Again, I am thinking about the secondary mourning theme, keeping the focus on and taking the lead from them. We are going to visit them in July and I'm scared. I want to carry the tone they need into this situation, not what I guess I would need or what I needed years ago in another situation. My prayer is that I can follow not try to lead - that I can abide.

whisper

2008-06-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

I whisper "stay".
I whisper"grow."
I whisper "please."
Please live. Don't go.

still pregnant - more hopeful

2008-06-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

Strong pregnancy test this morning and Ru feeling better regarding symptoms of possible ectopic pregnancy - monitoring with blood tests for a few days, more comfortable with doctor's office. The line that showed the baby's presence on the home pregnancy test this morning was dark and visible, like the test line. She says she sees two lines for two lives, hers and the babe's. That touches me. Second little line, please please grow into someone I can hold and know.

worrying

2008-06-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

Ruth had an ob appointment today, supposedly to see if the pregnancy is uterine and maybe to see a heartbeat on the sonogram - but her belief that it was too early was right. The doctor miscaluculated and sent them home (after charging them). THen Ruth started having back pain and cramping and was feeling faint started worrying about an ectopic pregnancy, was told by the doctor's office that it didn't sound like she was in danger, got an apology phone call from the doctor, and now is feeling better physically. I'm scared. I don't want to fear everything will go wrong and can't trust everything will go right. I do trust Ruth will go to the ER if symptoms worsen so I'm not really scared for her life, just worried that this dream will blow apoart now or any other moment during the next eight months - such a fragile dream.

odd (good odd)

2008-06-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

Its so odd that Ruth is pregnant again. I'm saying the words in the same sentence again - Ruth and pregnant. It scares me. I don't believe in jinxes or that we can control outcomes one way or another. It still scares me. I am reserving my emotions, its so early, but there is definitely hope.

Today Ruth took me with her to try on a bridesmaid's dress she will be wearing in late October and she folded a scarf into the belly area to simulate a five month bump. I felt sad thinking she'd be bigger than that with Mira now - and also hopeful. She looked lovely in her golden mermaid dress, and will, pregnant or not.

And I hope she will still be pregnant. I hope. I hope.