six weeks to go

until forty weeks - hard to believe - getting close. Liam is big as a pineapple. I saw his beautiful nursery last night, so rich in colors, every wall a different color. I also saw the dragonfly Ruth painted on her bedroom wall in memory of Mira - also beautiful, though sad. Circle of life and death continues to revolve.

forty eight days

left until Liam's due date! Somehow "under fifty" days feels like a big deal - really close - almost made it! I know things can go wrong at any point, even after birth. I remember how terrifying it was when K.K. had meningitis as a newborn. But at this point, I'm thinking more about soft sleepers and tiny corduroy pants than I'm worrying

Sorting baby clothes

on my office floor with Ruth and Chris last night was sweet. A friend had given us bags of clothes for baby boys and baby girls. They picked out cute clothes for Liam, tie died shirts, a little jacket with ears, soft sleepers, even a baby flight suit that we half joked could be next year's Halloween costume, complete with aviator glasses. We laughed and talked and folded. Ruth picked out several girl items, darling little pink pants, a dress, and said how Mira would have "so worn those" and it was simply true - not a new sadness. Nobody cried. Mira would have... Mira could have...Mira wont. Liam will. (I hope, I pray.)

Realer and Realer

these babies just seem realer and realer - Liam and his little cousin to be born a week or so after him, Andrea. Liam even has a red sheet on his crib mattress in his own crib and Andrea will have butterflies on her nursery wall. Plans for Liam's naming seem like plans, not dreams - and sometime this winter, we will hold him and kiss him - so sweet. I am still broadsided at moments by waves of sadness about Mira's permanent absence. I wondered last night when it snowed big fat flakes for HOURS if Ruth would have taken almost three month old Mira out into her very first snow. I look up at the menorah which I will soon be bringing down from the high shelf andfeel sad that Ruth and Chris will not be holding Mira in it's light this year - and then I think how Liam, inside RUth, is able to hear and enjoy the holiday usic already. Everything is a mixed bag - AND, AND, AND - and love is stronger than loss.

And the crib has arrived and been assembled

Liam's Daddy said today "The only thing missing in the nursery is HIM!" and that isn't probably literally so - but they are very much ready - and I can hear the joy in Ruth's voice - really truly excited joy. Two months now and we'll most probably be holding the little guy. I ordered his stroller today - his chariot.