Saturday, September 13, 2008

contrastng feelings

Ruth wrote a beautiful post in her blog about her contrastng feelings about Sprout's development and Mira's death, as contrasted by her sonograms experiences.

Family resemblance
I was reluctant to say anything about this when first posting Sprout's most recent picture because I didn't want Lilliam's debut to be overshadowed by Mira's death.... but it's reality that the two are connected and it seems artificial to try to avoid the inevitable points of connection between the two pregnancies so I've decided to post.

We had the scan done at Seton Medical Center--the very same Seton to which I checked in for Mira's D&C. We were there less than a week before Mira's unfulfilled due-date and walked in the same door we last entered for her memorial service. The last time I'd had an ultrasound at a hospital was the last time we saw her and Sept 11th (for which the appointment was originally scheduled) marks the 6-month-a-versary of her death (and the 12th, on which we did have the appointment the 6-month-a-versary of the D&C).

It would have been impossible not to be thinking of Mira when we were walked back into the hospital imaging area. I remember thinking how grateful I was to be walking under my own volition instead of riding a gurney. Chris stood on the same side of me holding the same hand he had when we found out that our Miraculous Mira was still alive and kicking despite the hemorrhaging. And when the first image flicked on the screen we saw the sweet picture I posted last night--the tech smiled and pointed out the hand by the face. I smiled too--but in my mind I saw this:

Sprout's first image is a near perfect mirror image of Mira's last.

I think part of me was waiting for the similarities to continue--I KNEW that Sprout had a strong heartbeat. In my gut I really did feel that everything was okay (I've felt remarkably certain about this pregnancy even before we actually conceived--I KNEW we'd get pregnant that month and I was certain the early "negative" tests were wrong, etc.) But there was that part of me that kept expecting the tech to turn to us and say that something was wrong... that, yes the heart was beating, but that Sprout was not growing properly or that really we'd been mistaking my heartbeat for Sprout's all those months, or something..... but none of that ever came. I saw Chris get misty and shed a few tears and I watched our little guy wiggle and writhe on the screen-- alive and healthy and waving his hands about as if putting on Broadway show and let myself bask in the happiness and relax a little more into the reality that we are having a baby in February (or maybe January).

It's a strange thing to see the Mira parallels so clearly and to, at the same time, feel so unafraid for Sprout. It feels like hubris to feel so comfortable. I know that my gut feelings aren't a guarantee. I know that the current diagnosis of "no obvious abnormalities" is not a promise of perfect health. After all I am a logical person and I have had people I love die when they weren't supposed to... I KNOW that anything can happen and that anything can destroy the world as you know it in a single breath. So I will continue to say more "if"s and think up more bad scenarios than other people are comfortable with. And I will fill out the advance directive paperwork before I go into labor because I DO believe in planning for the worst--but for right now I'm enjoying feeling so good.
Posted by Ruth at 7:48 AM

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