Bittersweet brisk afternoon

It's really cool for the first time this season, breezy, brisk - my favorite weather. I find myself imagining Mira, if she were here, in courduroy and a hat and that maybe I would have taken her out this cool afternoon and let her touch a pumpkin. It didn't even occur to me that Friday would have been her first Halloween - just didn't think that far until right now. I wonder how Ruth and Chris would have dressed her and how they will dress Liam next year. This season feels more than half full to me - and the shadow of Mira's absence is very real.

Actually week 25

I didn't just sit here waiting (at least not that big a dork) but I did come back after my bath and hair washing and it is officially week 25 for Liam - Hooray - and he probably weighs over a pound - still a way to go and grow - but over a pound feels ecouraging.

Almost 25 weeks

I'm doing it again - sitting here at the computer waiting for the week counter to flip over - bet Liam is flipping around inside Ruth much more satisfactorially. When I wake in the morning he'll be in his 25'th week - more viable every day now. (and a little less than twice the lifetime Mira had)

Perspective

This would be a sad and difficult month for me if Ruth and Chris had not conceived Sprout - if Liam were not thriving. The babies who were Mira''s contemporaries have been born or are about to be. I'm getting the birth announcements and seeing the pictues and that is wonderful - precious every one. Within a week or two I probably will have gotten to hold at least one of these babes in my arms (and I won't ever get to hold Mira). I'm wondering tonight how this time would be in my life, in the life of our family if she had lived and been born healthy. But I am not weeping, because Liam is thriving, Ruth and Chris are thriving - and feeling hopeful is easier than weeping. Still, I am very accutely aware that this could have been a very happy month, or a very sad one.

William James revealed

Sprout is male!!!! William James. No more Lilliam - though I've loved that name Liam. Boy child. Grandson. Coming soon but not too soon (please not too soon). Ruth called and left me a message right after the sonogram revealed William's sex, and I called the house later and asked a very happy daddy to kiss the tummy over his son for me. He agreed sweetly. Sweet sweet day - one more healthy pregnant day.

Viability!!!!!!!

Ruth writes that Sprout has reached viability- VIABILITY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The chances are she/he could live if born now - though I know it would be a long time in the NICU, and scary - but possible, possible. Please little Sprout, stay inside a couple of months more. And thank you for living so far.

Premie twins

An acquaintance had premie twins this week - babies due in late December and weighing two and three pounds - they have a long way to go and remind me how very far Sprout, and Joanna's baby atoo, have until they are ready to be safely born. I feel gratitude for every healthy day every baby spends "inside" and send my prayers for the evening to these particular two tiny girls, born early - may they thrive.

almost 23 weeks

Moving as Ruth posts with her fruit of the week from a babe the size of a spaghetti squash to one the size of a mango - definitely getting sizable. I loved this whole High Holy Day cycle with Rut, Chris and Sprout - pretty perfect. It's good to be at a point that, though we don't count on any good outcome and still superstitiously knock on wood, we do talk about meals and visits after Sprout is born, stroller preferences, details of the shower. All of that is good too.

22 week no comment blues

I laugh at myself that I wish people would comment more on this and my other blogs. It's silly. It's ego. I write to have my thoughts down. And yet the human part of me is a little bummed every time there are no comments. That whole balance beam between love and ego is slippery at times. At any rate, Sprout's at more than 22 weeks now and of the four babies of whom I learned about the time Ruth announced she was pregnant with Mira, one other was lost to miscarriage (before Mira), one is healthily and happily born, and the other two are due shortly. Life is what it is. More joy than sorrow at our house these days.

Family meal

Our family meal for Rosh Hoshannah was so happy - great food, great talk, Rtuh looking healthy and pregnant and enjoying her pumpkin pie. It wasn't until afterward, when I was washing dishes, that I remembered that, if all had gone well, we would have had less than a month old Mira at the holiday meal. I forget most days what isn't and focus on what is - and of course, both the loss and the joy are real. Right now the joy sings louder.