Explanation and Beginning

I'm starting this blog tonight, as May begins - month of hope for fertility. The story I'm chronicling really began years ago when it became clear that my younger daugher and her husband weren't getting pregnant easily. She started using the word "infertile" and I winced every time in the beginning. I didn't want word to fit them. My own parents had been infertile and had adopted me after ten years of trying - obviously without benefit of modern medical techniques.

The story picked up speed in January when, out of the blue, my daughter found herself pregnant - apparently miraculous, an "oopsies!" pregnancy none of us believed possible. Her pregnancy ended in March at thirteen weeks (just the right side of safe) because the baby, a little girl they named Mira Abigail, simply died. Autopsy results don't tell us why.

I've been journaling all along - privately and on my general blog, "And Now" at http://seastarvsh.blogspot.com/. Since I discovered "Lost and Found Connections Abound" right after Mira died, I've found comfort here and have wanted to participate more actively by sharing my blog. I've wondered if other parents/grandparents/sisters/brothers/friends read - other secondary mourners. I would love to share support with some of you.

How happy I was (when Ruth was first pregnant)

For perspective and to let you know me a little better - This is the first post I wrote after finding out Ruth was pregnant.


Funny week - Ruth's news about being pregnant is so big that I have trouble thinking of anything else to update people about. Work is good and busy for me. I am thankful everyday that I love what I do for a living.

Ruth's pregnant! (I'm so happy! I'm so thankful! I'm so happy!)

Bob loves what he does too, but its more stressful. He said this weekend that the idea of coming back to teach fourth grade nearer home with all the pressures of getting situated in a new school and initiating programs and handling classroom management without the wonderful support he has in his current school feels daunting and I think he's right and its best for him not to try it. He's still considering trying to come back to teach high school math which worries me because though I have great faith in Bob, he hasn't taught high school, and I worry that classroom management would be worse there without the dearness of the younger kids and the support of teachers and administrators who like, respect and care about him already.

Right now Bob's entering the painful push to get the kids ready for TAKS tests, especially writing, which comes first. The No Child Left Behind thing really doesn't seem to work and just creates pressure for an approximation of learning, more than real learning. I think Bob was one of the last people (especially teachers) I know who thought it had some merit and helped some kids. I trust we'll elect a Democrat for President and the TAKS tests will join myriad other failed and abandoned programs. I hope the education programs which come best work better.

Ruth's pregnant! (I wonder what school will be like when that kid reaches school age.)

I'm wishing hard that the Democratic candidates would all avoid trying to make each other look bad.

Ruth's pregnant! (I wonder what the state of the world will be for this grand child.)

All the grand kids are a delight and each is learning and progressing. K.K. has really wowed her jazz and tap teachers and is loving those variants on dance, though still spending most of her hours in ballet. She is about to get her pointe shoes. Zachary is writing his name and other letters better each week and seems to have gotten used to focusing on that kind of learning, and Danny is learning steadily and happily.

Ruth's pregnant! (I wonder what that grandchild will be like - what strengths, accomplishments, challenges.)

The temperature is staying right above freezing here and it feels colder because its gray and windy, but I don't much feel the gloom because Ruth's pregnant.

Hope all is well with you.

And after Mira died

And this is the first post I made after Mira died.

Tears

Water of life,
salt shed, shared
honoring loss
honoring love
connecting.
I weep that
I will never dry
my grand child's
wet salt tears.


I don't want to write this entry. The Friedling is dead - sweet baby of promise and hope - little one who already brought us so much delight (and now none of us will be able to cradle you or laugh with you or teach you or learn from you). I hate this.

I don't believe anything about life happens for a reason or that concepts of fairness apply to medical situations, but Ruth and Chris should be happy not sad - no more trouble for them! I want to stand at the entrance of the cave and keep anything from hurting them ever again - and little Friedling too.

I wish I could bethe all-protective matriarch and keep my clan safe. Impossible.

So what do I know tonight?

I'm glad Ruth and Chris have each other.
I'm glad they conceived this baby and that she grew within Ruth for three months.
I'm glad they shared this pregnancy from the beginning and didn't try to protect themselves or anyone else from the possibility of having to grieve.
I hate it that Ruth has to have a D and C - don't want her to hurt physically as well as emotionally.
I miss deeply, achingly, the hope of this baby in my arms, nuzzling close. i've been imagining another flame haired little girl, (know that was not anything but an imagining but it was my imagining) toddling along after K.K., swung up on K.K's hip as easily as that little one rode her Auntie Ru's hip, and now that won't be, at least with this baby right now.
I trust that Ruth and Chris will thrive again - and I know they will hurt along the way.
I hate that

Where we stand now - gathering strength

Last Sunday - just as Passover ended, we had a sweet seder with Ruth and Chris (a week late I know but we aren't super traditional and they waited for me to get back from my travels). They made wonderful food and Ruth's haggadah - that she wrote - all the prayers customized, rang as true as ever. I had trouble holding my tears back several times, when I imagined how this seder would have been if Ruth had still been pregnant, abstaining from wine, showing - glowing. I kept wishing it was appropriate still to lean over and kiss her belly.

Ruth took her second dose of clomid the day of the seder. She even put it on her supper plate so she wouldn't forget. THey are hoping again. Trying again. Scared and aware that given infertility they want to start again trying NOW. I hate it that they can't just have babies easily. They will be such good parents. I don't want them to suffer loss again. I respect them for trying again and for standing strong with each other.