Last Entry

Red buds are bright, just as they were a year ago when Mira died. Liam is a month old today. Hhe can hold up his head. he is well and strong. His parents are well and strong. They are happy. And they are parents who know grief. Mira will always be a mystery. I expect I'll always look at little girls with curls (and of course she might not have had curls at all) and wonder who she would/could have been. So much we'll never know. This has been a year of loss and love - and - AND - most healing word, and. I don't have to choose to feel one or the other.

This is my last entry in this blog. I'll close it out in a week or so. It has served it's purpose. I will continue to write at my general blog http://seastarvsh.blogspot.com/

Real

Liam is real - a baby with long feet, a particular look in his eyes, a healthy appetite, sleeping patterns, a family that adores him. A baby. Our family's baby. Real. I had feared we wouldn't get this far, but we have. We are.

Liam Chaim

William Chaim,
son of Ruth,
son of Chris,
I wish you
awe in face of wonders great and small,
beaches, butterflies, ball games
curiosity
dreams that come true, dreams that don't,
enthusiasm,
friends, family, freedom,
grandchildren.

William Chaim
child of light,
child of life,
I wish you
health,happiness, humility,
imagination,
joy,
kindness, kisses, kinship,
love all your lifetime
magic moments, memories,
nights of peaceful sleep.


William Chaim,
child of wonder,
child of peace,
I wish you
openness of heart, mind, spirit,
problems to solve,
questions to ponder,
rest between achievements,
satisfaction in solutions
tenderness, trust,
understanding
victory, more often than defeat
work well done
excitement in everyday life
yearning to make a difference
zany zigzagging hope.

Liam Chaim,
child of our circle,
may you be a blessing.
May each of us here
be a blessing to you.
day in, day out,
dark times and bright
in love, moment by moment
as many days as we live.

Victoria Hendricks -
For Liam Chaim's naming - February 21 2009

Liam is one week old!

What a blessing. We will have his naming on Saturday, a sweet ceremony his parents have written. He is here, he is among us I find myself still occasionally waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it doesn't. Hasn't yet.

Fifth Day of Life and Beginning to end this Blog

Liam is in his fifth day of life! Amazing. He was a mystery a week ago, and now he is still much of mystery, so much still to unfold - but I've held his hands and kissed his hair, nuzzled into the hollow of his neck. He went through a whole sleep wake cycle yesterday in Bob's arms and another in K.K.'s. I held his hands and cooed at him while he cried through a diaper change. I put one sleeper in the dirty clothes hamper and brought another sleeper downstairs. In short, he's home, healthy, here and I got to help take care of him and it doesn't get much better than that.

I started this blog to chronicle my mixed feelings of hope, anxiety, and grief when Ruth became pregnant with Liam soon after Mia's death. Grieving one grand baby while hoping for the safe birth of another was a definite passage, chronicled here now. It seems this blog has served it's purpose with Liam's safe arrival. I think I will keep it open until March 11, the anniversary of the day Rt uh began to bleed so heavily with Mira - a month after Liam's birthday. There seems a balance there.

Home

Liam and Ruth and Chris are home - family of three - all well. Touches me so deeply

More on the birthday boy

Liam is absolutely gorgeous - sweet. six pounds 3 ounces, I think. He has dark hair , a little more of it, and slightly deeper skin tone than Joanna's babies, All systems go Ruth and Chris both look great and the whole family is getting what looks like super care at the birthing hospital they chose. Joanna (newly and delightedly Auntie Jo Jo) and Bill Woodburn and Ruth's good friends Brynn and Todd visited shortly after Liam was born - stayed a bit - then let them all rest. I am overwhelmed with feeling now - joy delight relief. What a beautiful ittle family they make. Joanna and I had lunch at Super Salad and then she brought me to lunch, where I hope I will function adequately and not get up and dance in the middle of somebocy's serious session. Jo has an obstetrician's appointment right now, but expects it to be routine. We figure Andrea will come when she comes.

Liam is here - all's well!

LIAM IS HERE!!!!!!! Chris called me about eight thirty. Ruth is fine. Liam is fine - THey were still weighing and measuring when Chris called. He has light brown hair and I heard his sounds. He was holding Chris' finger - as the daddy proudly and so sweetly reported. HOORAY!!!!!!! Joanna called me at the time of the csection and we talked on the phone all through it - felt good to hold metaphorically onto her. Happy birthday LIAM!!!!! I am over the moon at the moment. Need to finish dressing to go meet my grandson.

The calm before

It is literally the calm before here - big storm expected during the night and baby Liam in the morning. I feel calm - which is probably all a defense mechanism, but I'll take it. I plan to get off the computer earlier than usual, watch some taped news shows on TV (Bill Moyers' Journal, NOW) and do some crafting - then go to bed early. Last night I felt calm, but just kept putting off going to bed - which was dumb. More self discipline in order tonight. Tomorrow night I'll share my first encounter with sweet Liam.

I've been thinking of Mira ore lately as her brother's birth approaches and as we see the very first pale signs of springtime. She died at redbud time last year, and the redbuds are still dormant this year, but I'm seeing a few blades of grass, white blossoms on the earliest fruit trees. Mira didn't blossom. We loved, wanted her so. Now her brother is almost opening bud in our hands - almost. Even after birth life is delicate. I knew that before Mira, but she reminded me.

Wednesday, Frebruary 11, 2009

will be Liam's birthday. He is staying transverse, so his birth will be early in that morning by c section. We all seem to be ready - and excited.

Mira Moment

Last winter, about this time, when Ruth was pregnant with Mira, K.K. her beloved way ore than just a niece, then eleven, purchased a little sock elephant to give to Ruth for Mira at the baby shower. Precious little elephant, that comes withthe standing joke that Grandma (me) was dumb enough to initially think it was a mouse. After Mira died, K.K. agonized about what to do with the elephant, who then resided in my dresser drawer. When Ruth became pregnant withLiam, K.K. still agonized - not sure whether this elephant could belong to a different baby - especially a BOY baby. She had looked forward to being a big girl cousin care giver to a little girl like her auntie was to her. She decided though, to give the elephant to Liam - and did so, first happily - then just disolving into tears in Ruth's arms. We all miss Mira. We all always will.

Still waiting

I want Liam in Ruth's and Chris' arms - It''s so hard to trust he'll get there safely and all will be well and stay well. Seeing the three of them together as a family will be both joyful and reassuring. We'll find out more tomorrow about the timing and anner of the birth.

So far so good

no medical emergency with Liam today - trusting and hoping for a birth next week, however it is arranged - just safe for Liam and for Ruth.

Transverse

Liam has flipped back into a transverse position, so he would need to be born by csection if he doesn't turn head down again before Ruth goes into labor. I hope he does turn, but she doesn't sound scared so I'm trying not to be scared Either way, it sounds like the birth will be choreographed for next Tuesday or Wednesday - unless he just comes before then. Birthday time soon.

Four more days

until Liam is officially due! Hard to believe. Hard to breathe. I trust he will be born breathing, thriving, ready to bring home and love.

Nine days

til the due date. Pinch me somdbody, or don't This is happening. Ruth and Chris look great. Major life shift occuring for our family just about NOW! WOW!

One centimeter

Ruth's labor - early stages - could be weeks yet (or hours!) - has begun. One centimeter of the ten necessary centimeters opening is done. The obstetrician touched Liam's head! I can't wait to kiss said head, and see the color of its hair, feel the softness of it's skin, admire ears, eyes, sounds. He will be with us soon!

Washing baby clothes

I must really believe these babies are coming. I'm washing baby clothes in Dreft now at my house, setting up a baby dresser in my closet, thinking child proofing (not doing it yet, but thinking about what I will have to move once Liam is crawling). Last night there was a oment, standing in the garage with "Tweetie" a baby quilt my mother made for Ruth held to my face, that I alost felt as if I were the one about to give birth. I'm excited.

Almost home

The nursery is ready, all the tiny clothes washed, my blessing for the naming ceremony written, the invitations for said ceremony sent and received the love and hope flowing full force. I haven't even been thinking much about Mira and how she isn't here, just about Liam and how he will be.

Shower in the morning

Shower in the morning - delectable items purchased and cherished - so much beginning. Ruth was already a week old at the point in my pregnancy that she has reached with Liam. The nursery is beautiful in the way that she and Chris are so good at making space beautiful. There love is beautiful. Hope shines.

Baby Clothes - a poem

TIny, bright and soft,
duckies, dinosaurs,
twelve pairs minute
socks, chosen in hope
in courage, purchased
in knowledge of fragility
of life, gauntlet thrown
down. Love trumps loss.

Victoria Hendricks, 1-8-2008

Sorted baby clothes

That's what Ruth and I did last night - bright little outfits chosen with care - all sorted into stacks by size to be carefully washed in Dreft and set aside for Liam as he needs them. Some of them were bought for Mira. Tbright paint colors on Liam's walls come from cans bought for Mira right before her death. Ruth and I spoke of Mira calmly, mmatter-of-factly as we preared for Liam. It felt right.

so close

At 35 weeks Liam is the size of a honey dew melon and Ruth and Chris are about to put in the car seat. This seems to be happening.